tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
