He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
