she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
