Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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