Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
