Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
