Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
