I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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