After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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