The best revenge is premature balding
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
