it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My vagina just recognized that song.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
