You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
