I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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