I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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