I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
