textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
