Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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