Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
