Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
