My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
