did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
