why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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