I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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