I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
