I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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