She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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