Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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