she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i now understand why vodka
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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