On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
