Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
