On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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