can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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