I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
