my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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