Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
