Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
