I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
