its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's like iHOP with fire
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
