I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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