Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
