I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
