god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
