you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
