Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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