I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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