Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
