i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
