The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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