You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
