I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
