ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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